When Fires Rage...

Don't ask me why or how, but sometime last year I was appointed my office's "Fire Marshall". It wasn't a democratic decision, that I assure you, but alas, here I was, seated at the back row of the Keck Seng Tower auditorium on the 15th floor awaiting the building management to start the "Fire Marshall Meeting", as it was called.

Free bottles of drinking water were handed out along with a thick manual titled "Menara Keck Seng Fire Emergency Plan". My curiosity hightened, I flipped thru the booklet and couldn't help but break out into minute, but somewhat noticeable bursts of sporadic laughter.

Now, to most people, something with a title that long MUST be serious stuff, right? Well, in a way, yes, the manual was made with a sole purpose in mind - to brief the Fire Marshalls on how to handle an emergency evacuation of their respective floors due to fires in the building. But what I found most amusing was the fact that it had, firstly, a whole chapter (18 pages worth) of what they termed "compulsory announcements" that must be made upon the Fire Marshall noting that the fire alarm has been triggered in the building.

I'm all for pre-written scripts and all, but 18 pages worth of "compulsory announcements"??!! This bordered on being ludicrous! Let me give you a few "compulsory announcements" that I must make in an event of a fire:-

(at page 1, announcement 1)
"Ladies and Gentleman, there has been a fire alarm in the building. Kindly shut off your PC's and other electrical or electronic equipment, gather your immediate belongings and head to emergency staircase no.1 for suite 1 and staircase no.2 for suite 2. DO NOT PANIC, DO NOT USE THE ELEVATORS"

On the face of it, its a mighty fine announcement, but hey, wouldn't the blaring alarm make the first statement redundant?

There's more
(at page 2, announcement no.5)
"Please fill in the attendance form with me before proceeding to your designated emergency exits"

OK...this one takes the cake as THE most silly announcements in history! Here's the situation - the building is being razed to the ground (okay, so sue me for dramatisation), people are panicking despite your pleas not to, thanks to compulsory announcement no.1 above, smoke fills the floors and everyone, including the Fire Marshall just has one thing on their minds - to get the hell out of the floor. What does the building management want us to do? FILL FORMS! You're gonna have 50-60 people lined up in smoke-filled hallways filling out forms while fires continue to rage out of control nearby. Whomever thought of this wonderful plan seriously needs to have his head checked.....

It would be marginally acceptable if it was a simple two-line form asking for the occupant's name and floor, but noooo......As it is, the form is a whole page, 12 items in all, requesting for the occupant's name, phone number, e-mail address and this one must have been thought up by a sadistic building management staff.....a column in bold italics marked "next of kin".....how nasty is THAT? You tell the Marshalls to assure the occupants that they're not gonna be roasted to death and yet you ask them for their next-of-kin in a form? I doubt people would even have pens with them to fill the forms with as they choke to death on the billowing smoke......

In any case, they are gonna test this "plan" out this Friday at 10am....it should prove amusing. I for one know that if it was a real fire there are only two possibilities that could occur - we dump the silly plan and run for our lives or, we die of smoke inhalation filling out forms! Wish us luck!


The behemoth with form-filling fire escape plans